“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
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Her: What’s with the microscope?
Me: Looking for my comfort zone.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
“did I catch you at a bad time?”
– yeah, I’m awake and I’m sober
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
you can talk about any topic for 30 mins if you’re a confident liar
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Anyone to a designer: “looks weird”
Designer: “can you be more specific?”Designer to designer: “looks weird”
Other designer: “yeah, it does”
Writing, She Murdered.
If you lead a horse to pretzels and then to water, he will definitely drink.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”