[serving dinner]
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
WIFE: Flambé?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
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friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
me: do you serve crabs here?
waiter: yes, we do
my crab: *taking off his jacket* finally
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
My husband is really not letting me live down that one time we got into a super big argument because I thought buffalo were extinct.
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil