My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?
ME: I’ve flambéd your soup
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($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Scott is a savage
tired of mercurys shit. im in retrograde now. its my turn
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“should i go into the arts?”
“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”
“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.