@chuuew

[serving dinner]

ME: What’s is called when chefs set food on fire?

WIFE: Flambé?

ME: I’ve flambéd your soup

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@bingowings14

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

@lisaxy424

($800 for an iphone)

oh no problem here you go

(99 cents for an app)

HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW

@good_one_rick

My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.

@karanbirtinna

Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m going to throw an awesome surprise party for my daughter when she gets home and realizes I know that she snuck out! SURPRISE!

@HousewifeOfHell

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

@myqkaplan

“should i go into the arts?”

“can you imagine yourself doing anything else?”

“no”

“then i wouldn’t go into the arts, with no imagination”

@RyanofAvalon

Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”

I’d rather you didgerididn’t.