[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
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Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
A guy on Intervention is named Bryceton, I thought the intervention was for the parents having more kids
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
My heart says curly fries but my BMI is suggesting salad.
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Me: “Yes, finally! I got a nice, staple paying job!”
Friend: “Don’t you mean stable?”
Me: “Definitely not! I don’t even know if I have enough staples to afford a horse, let alone shelter it.”
A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
Dentist:
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
the chicken was already gone when I got here
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain