@ColeNoorda

Set a personal record today.

I put 300 lbs on bench press.
I couldn’t lift it, obviously, but once the weight crushed my chest, I was able to hold my breath for 3 minutes and 26 seconds.

Personal best! 🙌

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@yeaanotherchris

*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

@Book_Krazy

[Spelling Bee]

Her: Your word is consent.

Him: Can you describe the word?

Her: Yes.

@AceMakesWords

“Easter?” HERE
“Thanksgiving?” HERE
“Christmas?” PRESENT

@matt_obrien

Lets all take a minute and realize the lack of creativity in the name “fire place”

@gmossii

Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.

@iRowlf

Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.