@ColeNoorda

Set a personal record today.

I put 300 lbs on bench press.
I couldn’t lift it, obviously, but once the weight crushed my chest, I was able to hold my breath for 3 minutes and 26 seconds.

Personal best! 🙌

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@robdelaney

Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.

@seamussaid

I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm

if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault

@SadPeruna

Get a TATTOO they said!
A rock band tattoo would be the BEST they said!
Creed will be popular FOREVER they said!

@MustardSally1

I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.

@sammyrhodes

Let me get this straight Hulu Plus. I pay you $ to watch shows & then you fill those shows with commercials. This sounds familiar.

@lisa_curry

Me: Time to relax and get into bed!

The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?

Me: Yes, obviously.

@Chumpstring

ME: I lied in my interview.

BOSS: what was the lie?

ME: all lies. except about my aunt.

BOSS: she wants to party with me?

ME: big time.

@man_spach

*tries several times to connect to the internet using a dial-up modem*
*reaches #1 on the dubstep charts*