I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
You Might Also Like
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
[Crossword]
7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Snail Boss: under skills you’ve put ‘quick reflexes’
Snail: [2 hours later] that’s right
SB: [3 hours later] holy heck, when can you start?
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
I hate when girls say “You probably say that to 100 girls.” Don’t you use the same résumé when applying for jobs?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
This old man is Lloyd. He spends his time Lloydering.
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
I like staying home, cause soon as I step outside I spend $100
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.