Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
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Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
(I am 6 months pregnant)
Me after ordering my coffee:
Stranger at Starbucks: you know you should be drinking decaf when you’re pregnant.
Me: I’m… not pregnant.
Stranger: (horrified) I am so, so sorry!
And that’s what you get for giving unsolicited advice.
Does this dress make me look cat?
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.