@jctwritesstuff

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

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@bitemynoodle

Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance

@jonnysun

LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea

@minkpinkustink

a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week

@causticbob

A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.

@Book_Krazy

ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done

@DBMaxP

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

@angryhobgoblin

You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit

@leonbyrdvevo

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab