Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*
Now love me.
*my left eyebrow falls off*
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LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
ME: I’d like to order…the updog.
WAITER: How would u like that prepared?
ME: um medium well?
W: very good
Me: oh god what have I just done
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
well this was fun.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
But I love food, why would it want to poison me? 🙁
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab