Son: Dad, I’d like you to meet my girlfriend
Me: That’s a raccoon
Son:
Me: *tearing up* I’m so proud of you
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With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
Does the S in iPhone 5S stand for “superficial”? “Shallow”? “Slave”? Or “soon to be obsolete”?
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
judge: your click bait articles have been deemed fraudulent. How do you plead?
me: I’m innocent and you won’t believe why! click here
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians