We all have our pet causes.
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If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
THE INVENTOR OF CLOTHES: Aren’t these wonderful?
THE INVENTOR OF CLOSETS: We need to hide those immediately.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Show up early for your interview. A day early. Lie motionless in a bush for twenty four hours. You got this.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He’s been off for 17 days.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Of course I have a picture of my kids. Let me find a good one.
* frantically scrolling through 8000 pictures of my dog sleeping
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
[Fortune Teller]
“I see great wealth, also danger.”
Oh.
“And blue meth. Walt Jr. is crippled.”
Are you watching Breaki-
“Jesse is so hot.”
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.