The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
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There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
No. He’s not coming out to play
Marital Status: My husband is mad at me because I cheered for the wrong college football team.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
ME: I think I chipped a tooth
GOLF INSTRUCTOR: let’s try a ball next time
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.