*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
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If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
*Moves manger so the baby Jesus can watch Die Hard*
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, “Looks like Santa lost his temper again.”
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
My kids ask the dumbest questions in the car like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
I feel like I’d really make more progress on my goal of being more positive if everyone wasn’t such a huge piece of shit all the time
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no