When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
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I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*
I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit
What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.