@UncleDuke1969

[sets up grandfather’s first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.

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@SaraESpivey

When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.

@Jayson_Two_time

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

@2tickytacky

My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.

@hilaryfairie

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: I’ve finally adjusted to daylight savings time
WIFE: really
ME: really
WIFE: *takes cat out of fridge*
ME: *stops petting the milk*

@elunatyk

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

@deathoftheparty

read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of

@LuvPug

I used to wave my hands in the air like I just don’t care, but now I just wave them because I get more steps on my FitBit

@ningella

People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.