The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
“Excuse me waiter, can I have a fork?”
“Is Pepsi okay?”
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]
I know Twitter, I know.
That’s why I’m here.
*power walks to the refrigerator*
And the headline of the year goes to…
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST