*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–

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The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.


Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.


Boss: How were your weekends?

Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team

Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter

Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly


[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*



[Gets Twitter error: “Somehow, somewhere, something went wrong”]

I know Twitter, I know.

That’s why I’m here.


I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST