*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
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{first day in prison}
Inmate 1: Whatcha in for?
Inmate 2: Armed Robbery
Inmate 3: Carjacking
Me: I tried using TurboTax to do my own taxes.
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
If I had to vote in the American election based on my gut, I’d choose pizza for president every time.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
*Me ordering food, wearing a new white shirt*
I’ll have whatever is the most splattery and red
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
The human personality is made of five key elements
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.