@Landon8426

Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.

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@diaruba74

Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.

@MetteAngerhofer

Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”

@ipalatsky

Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

@clichedout

her: what’s up

me: i’m just driving

her: cool where

me: in the front seat

her: no i mean what location

me: driver’s side

@JennUflect

Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.

@TheyCallMeMaaaa

*In a meeting room with a Prenatal Vitamin company*

Guy1: “So, you know how these women are pregnant, right?”
G2: “Yes”
G1: “And they’re nauseous and can’t swallow anything”
G2: “Right.”
G1: “What if we made the pill comically large?”
G2: “YES”
G1: “and it stinks”
G2: “GENIUS!”

@TheAlexNevil

Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos

@novicefather

Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.

@KeetPotato

me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”