Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
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zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Occasionally I set cases of beer out for the garbage men. Never know when you might need them to take out “suspicious” trash w/out questions
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
this has done me in for some reason
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
Psychologist: I’m going to lift this shade and you’ll see you are NOT a vampire.
Man: No!
*lifts shade and the sunlight ignites the man into a screaming inferno*
Nurse: *screams*
P: He convinced his body to do that.
N:
P: I’ve seen it before, Brenda. He’s the 9th this week.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.