Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
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Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
You’re so dead to me I sent flowers to your mother
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.