Settle down, Levi’s commercial. You are talking about pants.

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Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.


[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]


Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.


It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.


so Slate set up a “who can write the worst article” competition today


and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.


Gandalf chuckled to himself as the boat left shore. “I just noticed,” he whispered, “your name sounds like Dildo” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks


My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn’t know the song “Get Off the Stage or Die.” Elvis, maybe?