@ucancallmejenn

Settle down, Levi’s commercial. You are talking about pants.

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@treydayway

Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.

@TheRobCee

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

@1evilidiot

Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.

@primawesome

It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.

@blippoblappo

so Slate set up a “who can write the worst article” competition today

@ericarhodes

and one last joke for the day. And I will be off driving back to Claremont for two shows. Have a beautiful day.

@hell_homer

Gandalf chuckled to himself as the boat left shore. “I just noticed,” he whispered, “your name sounds like Dildo” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks

@StoferComic

My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn’t know the song “Get Off the Stage or Die.” Elvis, maybe?