settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
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*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.
That way the search dogs will find you first.
I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
me on ellen
ellen: so i hear you’re a big fan of being on ellen
me: yeah
*i walk onto stage, to see me on ellen’s show, who sees me walking onto ellen’s show*
both me’s: oh-oh my-my god-god you-you didnt-didnt
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
My wife and I stood waving to the neighbor for 10 minutes this morning before we realized she was cleaning her windows.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t