@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”

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@howe007

Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.

@leannuh

“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.

That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.

@TheToddWilliams

Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?

Husband: These would be your Sister Wives

@Kaladas4U2NV

I lost 7 followers today.

It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets

@sarcasticmommy4

Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.

Baileys it is.

@IvoryGazelle

Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next

Gazelle: ok

Monkey: ok

Zebra: ok

Elephant: oh no

@FuckabillyRex

If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.

@TheCiscoKidder

Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.

Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.

@RealSudoNim

I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.

@craigrachel

The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend