principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
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Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
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My autocorrect changes cunts to China. Hey don’t blame me. I’m not the racist code programmer.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
I promised you nothing and I’m a man who lives up to his promises.
my nickname in college
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Just changed the GPS voice
in my car from male to female.Now if I miss a turn, she says ….
“( Sigh )….recalculating”