Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”
Translated from “be with you shortly”
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“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Elephant: oh no
If you didn’t wanna see 157 pictures of me eating cake, you shouldn’t have put me in charge of the PowerPoint presentation, boss.
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I tell women I can’t open that jar because I have a headache.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend