@junejuly12

“Settle in, get comfy, hope your phone is fully charged and you have snacks”

Translated from “be with you shortly”

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@Home_Halfway

Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself

*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*
*don’t panic and say something stupid*

Me: Do you think my blood tastes different than yours

@NYC_Blonde

Why do cars slow down when they see a cop has pulled someone over? HE’S A LITTLE BUSY TO WORRY ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW DUMMIES

@Tw1tter_K1tten

I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

@prontopup

What do we want?

A cure for short-term memory loss!

When do we want it?

When do we want what?

@PleaseBeGneiss

[pumpkin patch]

Cinderella: how many miles on this one?

Farmer: please stop kicking them

@lovemydogduck

Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*

@lmegordon

Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.

@EndhooS

*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*

*I pretend to catch it*

*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*

“Grow up Karen”

@AndRyanTF

I just took such a long hot shower that when I finished, Captain Planet was standing in my bathroom with arms crossed shaking his head at me