SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.