Brilliant!
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Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Billy, 41, Aries, has been driving a city bus for 15 years but hopes to one day follow his dream and be a professional hand model. He enjoys country music and poker night with the boys. He is hoping to find someone willing to take a gamble on him and fix his achy breaky heart
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
dad: I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN
son: HI VERY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU YOUNG MAN IM GREG
dad: omg [sheds a tear]
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Doctor: you need to improve your diet what do you have for breakfast
Me: eggs
Doctor:
Me: ok reese’s eggs
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall