Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
You Might Also Like
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
When a sales clerk asks if you need help with anything, this does not include kids.
I know this now.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
For the first time, all three of my kids are going to three different schools. I managed to get them all there on time for their first day, but intentionally ran a few minutes late on day two so their teachers didn’t have unrealistic expectations.
My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
I was actually unaware there is a global crisis occurring, I’ve been in quarantine the last two weeks because of an unfortunate haircut
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Friend: “Hey, a little bird told me you’re working on a new project :)”
Me: (trying to smile politely while going through mental rolodex of experts who can treat bird-related psychosis)
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…