Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
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My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
The guy who first said “hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil” was a genius, but the next guy who put it with monkeys, not so much.
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Netflix: lmao it’s cancelled