@TheOnion

Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened

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@4SLars

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

@GreGooglyMoogly

*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight*

*discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*

@AsgardianRose

The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.

@neiltyson

Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.

@G_Faylor

an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don’t act like some big science guy

@PetrickSara

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

@carbsley

kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again

@mcclure111

America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM