@TheOnion
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
@4SLars
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
@thatcarlygirl
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
@GreGooglyMoogly
*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight*
*discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*
@TheToddWilliams
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
@AsgardianRose
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
@neiltyson
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
@G_Faylor
an apple drops from a tree and hits me perfectly in the head but i don’t act like some big science guy
@PetrickSara
Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.
@carbsley
kinda want to get my dog to bark for 2 minutes as my voice mail so no one ever leaves me one again
@mcclure111
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM