Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
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Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
Moms be like, “Your cousin’s neighbor’s husband’s aunt died. Just thought you should know.”
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
If my bird identification app can’t pick up a bird I’m trying to identify because your lawn mower is too loud, I’ll drive my car through the side of your house.
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.