*sewing*
A thread
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If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
I like it when my kids are old enough to drink out of the toilet on their own. That way I don’t have to get out of bed to get them a drink.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
I’m going to write a comic book about a superhero whose superpowers include super speed, teleportation, and surprising unsuspecting citizens with mimosa stations.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex