[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
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“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
I’m sorry…
…but Cujo did NOT go to heaven.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Damn he played himself
mathematically impossible
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
mom: Why are your eyes red? Are you high!?
[flashback to me cry-singing Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” in the car on the way over]
me: Yes
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
This dude got his own movie?
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage and understand how it works?
Me (imagining bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.