that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
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Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
Whenever I see the words “horse-drawn carriage” I wonder if the horse’s artistic output was limited to means of transportation, or he also did cartoons.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Me: *throws banana and waits for it to return, boomerang style* that’s the last time I ever believe anything I read on Yahoo Answers…
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Our movers are finally here and I’m realizing my husband labeled boxes like “books, prob.”
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
“The N stands for number – so no need to say ‘PIN number’.
“Terribly sorry, I’ll start again: ‘You’re dead if you don’t give me your PIN’.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say