@ohen39

[sex-ed class]
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex

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@just1fool

If I’m going to be in your dreams tonight please let me know so I can stuff some socks down the front of my pants.

@AnOrangeSNES

*Snoop walks into a classroom*
Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory
Teacher: It’s the Big Bang Theory
*Snoops walks out disappointed*

@Rhythms_n_Booze

I remember this one time I ran out of gas.

It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone.

I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.

@dubiousrhetoric

Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.

@Book_Krazy

[interview]

Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”

dammit

@JimmerThatisAll

I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.

@frenchielaboozi

seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s

@Holy_Mowgli

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

@Staggfilms

ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.