[sex-ed class]
kid: I still have some questions
me: let me explain *pauses sex-ed video* she can only pay the pizza guy with sex

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If I’m going to be in your dreams tonight please let me know so I can stuff some socks down the front of my pants.


*Snoop walks into a classroom*
Snoop: Tell me about the Big Bong Theory
Teacher: It’s the Big Bang Theory
*Snoops walks out disappointed*


I remember this one time I ran out of gas.

It was pretty scary. Almost dark. I was all alone.

I mean it was a lawnmower, but still.


Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.



Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked

“Why are you naked?”



I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.


seems like you must have been preeeetty stupid to get caught for murder in the 1800s


bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size


ME: What if I have a robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will make you whole again in Heaven.

ME: But what if I really love my robotic arm?

PRIEST: God will grant you happiness.

ME: Can God give me two robotic arms?

PRIEST: Please, I beg you, others are waiting to use the confessional.