[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
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My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
I saw this ending much differently.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
[slice of bread going in and out of the toaster] omg, i’m gonna crumb!
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Got kicked out of church again for laughing every time they say b-holed.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
Cats don’t have owners, cats take people hostage in order to feed them …
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Watching the history channel and feeling clever when the guy said “and this dinosaur was called pterodactyl” and I’m thinking “called by who, there was nobody there”
just read an article that said stray dogs will “elect” the cute dogs in the group to approach ppl cause they come back with more food. u little shits think u can manipulate me well u absolutely can here have my entire lunch
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some