Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
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Snakes are terrifying because they can’t trip and fall over shit. No creature should possess such power.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
Feel. He’s so soft.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
EARTH: *celebrates her 50th Earth Day*
BILLIONAIRES: *start eyeing younger planets*
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
Hockey fights are cool but imagine the make up sex afterwards in the locker room.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”