Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
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Adultry does not sound fun at all
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
Kate Middleton is in between Kate Lefton and Kate Righton.
[rose from the movie titanic a couple years later sitting on crowded bus]
excuse me, can you slide over so I ca-
“NO, there’s no room”
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
Are you happy to see me, or is that a banana? Are you covered in bananas? Are you, in fact, a banana tree and incapable of happiness no matter what?
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
That’s no pocket rocket.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.