@Mom_Overboard

Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.

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@JediGigi

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

@Browtweaten

priest: we need to sacrifice a villager in the volcano

king: okay so–

me: *sprints past them and does a cannonball* wheeee

@tanialunreal

Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.

@gfishandnuggets

Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.

@Ygrene

[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]

“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”

@AristotlesNZ

Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness

@jackmackenroth

I’m taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she’s staying with me and I love subliminal messages.

@Skoog

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?