Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
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priest: we need to sacrifice a villager in the volcano
king: okay so–
me: *sprints past them and does a cannonball* wheeee
Him: I’m over the moon
Werewolf doctor: you’re cured
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Whenever I’m picking up my wife I skid to a stop by her & yell “Come with me if you want to live!” so she knows she married pure awesomeness
I’m taking my mother-in-law to the new Resident Evil movie because she’s staying with me and I love subliminal messages.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?