[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
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My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
wait.
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
Me: You should’ve seen this dude checking me out, I have to admit I called back to him.
Him: You called him back? Wait, that’s a bird.
Me: I didn’t say he was interested
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
roman centurion: [dusting his hands off as he walks away from the crucifixion] well, we won’t be seeing that guy again!
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard