Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
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I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
Grammar Nazi hiding in Argentina captured after being baited on social media with an inappropriate you’re usage
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
A werewolf is chasing you. You’re on a Segway. The werewolf is too. Both batteries are dying, and the chase gets slower and slower.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
I’m always confused when people accuse me of “just tweeting things for attention” because…obviously? This isn’t my personal diary. I want people to see it. 😂
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes