@HEYWATCHMETWEET

Sex is a lot like chess. It takes strategy, patience, there’s a horse there, the queen is watching.

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@WorstCassie

My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.

@tastefactory

COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.

@inanimatecorpse

I put a note in my kids lunchbox daily telling them that if they work really hard at school then one day we may be able to afford a sandwich

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?

Me: Marriage is complicated.

4: Is it because you’re stupid?

@Cheeseboy22

I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.

@dumbbeezie

Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone

@jake_lach

-“I was the girl that hated you back in high school.”
-“I’m sorry, can you be more specific?”

@notabeanie

DOC: good news is you’ll make it
ME: phew!
DOC: …into the the record book for stupidest way to die
ME: *still vomiting marshmallows*

@theshamingofjay

TRUMP: I’m building a wall to keep Mexicans out.
AMERICANS: I’m going to Canada if Trump is elected.
CANADIANS: We need to build a wall.

@dafloydsta

[wedding]

“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”

ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR

*priest drops bible*