me: dad how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be yourself
me: [barely leaving the house and not talking to anyone when i do] why isn’t this working
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
Your honor,this case must be thrown out
“On what grounds?”
*points to defendants nametag: ABookByItsCover*
*Judges head explodes*
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”