Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
If I start learning from my mistakes how will anyone recognize me ?
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Does anyone have the number of a painter/decorator? I really need to get all my windows jammed so they never open again.