Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
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Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
#milo
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
Dads will insist the Masters is exciting while also napping through it.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
I showed my kids Pitch Perfect but now my 7yo is adamantly insisting we form a family acapella group and HOW DO I UNDO THIS????
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
*grandpa walks in with a bearded man in a plaid shirt & skinny jeans*
“uhh grandpa who’s that?”
“my hip replacement”