@AudreyPorne

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

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@xLiserx

Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!

@GrantTanaka

I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby

@Phook75

Some days when I think back on music from the late 90’s I often get a little blue da ba dee da ba die..

@ibid78

[therapist] what seems to be the problem?
[her] he only hears what he wants to hear. It’s awful
[me] oh my god yes, I would love a waffle

@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

@ClichedOut

[first day as lifeguard]

Kid: *waving dramatically*

Me: hey are u waving at me or those kids behind me?

@coIIegestudentz

College parties are great: You’re taking shots with future doctors and the next Supreme Court judge is throwing up in the bathroom.

@iamburtjarvis

if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.

1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.

2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.

@xysist

Sex is great, yes but have you ever had water come out of your ear after it stayed there two days after swimming? OMG

@YuckyTom

imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day