Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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For a kid, that moment when you accidentally called your teacher “mommy” was always really embarrassing. I just wish it hadn’t happened when I was a senior in college.
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
detective: can you describe the crime scene?
me: which one i seen lots of crimes.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Tell me you get it…🤣
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
Teens – Slay all day
20s – RosĂ© all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
I have so many questions.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
Soccer moms drinking from sports bottles. You’re not fooling anyone, we know you have wine in there and you should share.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Learn to negotiate like my 5-year old. Instead of asking, “Can we please get a kitty?” he asked, “Are we getting a kitty today or tomorrow?”
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I once watched a mime choke to death on a street corner and everyone applauded. For a couple of reasons.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
Yes, yes, his usual hard boiled egg cut, please.