@AudreyPorne

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

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@JoParkerBear

[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES

@daemonic3

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

@heyitskellyy

a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!

@girlontapas

Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.

@mdob11

I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.

@samalmightysam

Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.

Fight for your dreams.

@3sunzzz

I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.