I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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M: Do that thing I like
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Nothing in my college degree prepared me for having the cat supervise me while I clean out the litter box.
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.