Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.
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With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
My cat managed to open a kitchen cabinet and sliced open a bag of flour. I walked into what looked like a feline version of the movie Blow.
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
Couples therapist: so what’s the main issue
Henry VIII: she doesn’t support my goals
Therapist: for example?
Henry VIII: well I just want to kill her and marry someone else, I mean why is she like this
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Dunno why mobsters are always threatening this. It looks lovely.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
We like the way Dwight thinks
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
If you’ve never seen someone do karate in white leather pants…then buckle up baby, because I’m about two wine coolers away from making your dreams come true.
Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.