Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
THE HORROR!
*splat
THE TRAGEDY!
*splat
IT’S AWFUL!
*splat
SO MUCH BLOOD!
*splat
WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
*splat-It’s raining men.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Was asked to work on a team project. Seems “I’d rather give a rabid mountain lion a prostate exam” was not the answer they were looking for.
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
doctors in 90s: really try to limit your screen time to 4 hours a day
doctors today: please for the love of God find a 10 minute stretch in your day where you’re not looking at a screen. actually nevermind. just do whatever you want. have some adderall