It’s true. Losing one sense enhances others.
For example, you lost your sense of humor but your sense of entitlement is through the roof.
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Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE