Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

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[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs


How to deal with anger and resentment toward someone:

1. Write down feelings and put message in a bottle
2. Break bottle over person’s head


“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.


It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.


if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too


If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.


*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International


What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.


ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian


“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online