@Shade510

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

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@hardlyrelevant

[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs

@Vodkantots

How to deal with anger and resentment toward someone:

1. Write down feelings and put message in a bottle
2. Break bottle over person’s head

@novicefather

“Homie don’t fleek doe,” I say to a group of teenagers, hoping it means something.

@AndyAsAdjective

It’s that wonderful time of year again when the spiderwebs I’ve been too lazy to clean become functional decorations.

@GrantTanaka

if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too

@JohnLyonTweets

If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.

@natalietran

*gets on knees and prays*

Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International

@daemonic3

What is the deal with airplane food?

Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.

@CopernicusG

ME: sorry for the hold-up

TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?

ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian

@MarkAgee

“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online