Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
You Might Also Like
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
In my defense, that little girl should have never questioned my pillow fighting skills.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
Just how popey was the pope today?
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.