Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
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My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.
And that’s how you win at parenting.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me recordaron éste meme
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Feeling a little guilty about looking for a new laptop on my laptop.
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..