Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
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ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
COP: Freeze!!!
EXCEL: LOL no problem
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
[day 7 of quarantine]
zzz
<⌒/ヽ-、__
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄∧_∧ oh no
( ・ω・) im late for work
_| ⊃/(___
/ └-(____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄<⌒/ヽ-、__ lol
/<_/____/
 ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄ ̄
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.
The IRS agents were not amused.
[Bob Dylan giving singing lessons]
I’d like you to sing it again, but this time plug your nose and put these 5 marbles in your mouth.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
ME: What’s the capital of Germany?
SON: G
ME: So college is a no then?!
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel