Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
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Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
What were you doing in the shower for so long?
Me: Just shaving my legs and definitely not pretending to be in a sad music video in the rain
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
ME: Siri listen very carefully. I need you to quietly dial 911, and…
SIRI: I HAVE FOUND TWO RESTAURANTS WITHIN 5 MILES OF YOUR LOCATION.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Breaking news:
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN