Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
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*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Now that it’s fall, I’m considering encouraging my wife to find a boyfriend so I get some free hoodies.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I’m just thankful that the presidential election doesn’t have a swimsuit portion.
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Hearing now that the government closed the Grand Canyon. Not sure if they roll a tarp over it or how that works.
john wicks are toilet candles
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]