this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
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If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
Basically.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Drove over 3 curbs today (personal best).
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…