@hxnlxne

sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty

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@Jennuflect

[having sex]
Mmm…do that thing I like
“Uh…right now?”
Yes! Y’know I love it
“OK *kermit the frog voice* Yaaaay!”
Oh god. Now flail your arms

@UncleDuke1969

I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.

@WilliamAder

Pretty sure the guy who named them “walkie talkies” got fired before he could name other military equipment.

@ThrillHicks

What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.

@sixfootcandy

Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?

@KizerBillhelm

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

@Shenaniglenns

[1931]

Him: we should name this time period

Me: the good depression

Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”

Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out

@iGreenMonk

To Do List :
1: Buy 4 Pigs
2: Paint numbers 1,2,3 & 5 on their backs
3: Release them in Wal-Mart
4: Sit back watch Security search for #4

@chlosephine_

jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home