sex is intimate and sacred. your body is a temple and you shouldn’t share it with anyone who hates rick & morty

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8: hey dad can you make me a sandwich?
me: poof! you’re a sandwich
8: ….
me: no


Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.


Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust


I’ve been known to drive women crazy with my tongue.

*never shuts the hell up*


lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you


Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually


Fave bit of the Breaking Bad finale is when Ross is like “DID SHE GET OFF THE METH?” and then Rachel shows up and says “I got off the meth.”


From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.


Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.

Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.


First meeting working remotely.

My boss: turn the camera on please
Me: it’s broken

What. You’re wearing pants to work from home?