Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
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Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
After about two minutes I would definitely start to assume the clapping was sarcastic
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto