Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
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jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
People who blame autocorrect for their mistakes are just finger painting
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
them: the new Batman film will be totally raw and gritty
me:
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Doctor: how often do you consume alcohol; like, once a week, three or four times a week, every day?
Me [sipping wine out of a travel cup]: ummm… occasionally
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son