@joekjoek

Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.

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@Social_Mime

In about five years when a kindergarten teacher is taking attendance and calls out Thanos at least eight boys will say “here.”

@le_buns

“would u like some dessert?” i ask the moose head above the fireplace

“no thanks im stuffed” i reply, in a slightly deeper voice

@Skoog

[devil’s first day on the job]

human: so i get anything I want?

devil: yes

human: and all you want is my shoe?

devil: just the bottom part, but yes

@buhsbaby_baby

Relationship Status: just tried to reach for my dog’s paw and he pulled it away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote.

@TheRealRHB

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

@JustinSouvanna

Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”

@davidmackau

the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT

@trojansauce

GIRL: would you like to go out for dinner sometime?
ME:*nervously looks around*
MY MUM: *appearing from nearby bush* he only eats lunchables

@kimtopher22

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.