Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
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Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
When a guy asks “should I use a condom?” I like to reply “I would if I were you” Makes them think…
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
One time I swallowed an entire box of Alphabits whole and the only thing I pooped out was the lyrics to a Nicki Minaj song
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Bad joke of the day:
How do dog catchers get paid?
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By the pound.
dora: jeez we’re really lost
boots: dora i’m freezing
backpack: we need a fire
the map: what should we use to start it?
dora:
boots:
backpack:
the map: oh no
dora: *holding a lighter* this IS all your fault
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Shout out to the person who had the balls to open the first no kids allowed restaurant
Villain: Hand over your gun.
*I hand him my gun*
Villain: And your sidepiece.
*I hand him my sock*
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.