Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

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The twins tried to have a staring contest last night. My daughter blinked immediately and said to her brother “I just can’t look at your face anymore” and it was a whole mood.


Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.


My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.


[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists


Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it’s going to be stuck that way forever


Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.


Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.


Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.


When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first