@etherealraccoon

Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.

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@divergentmama

The twins tried to have a staring contest last night. My daughter blinked immediately and said to her brother “I just can’t look at your face anymore” and it was a whole mood.

@kimtopher22

Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.

@AllanForsyth

My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.

@tazsme

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

@thentherewasmo

Renee Zellweger is living proof that if you keep making that face it’s going to be stuck that way forever

@RichHarris2

Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.

@Brianhopecomedy

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

@Shade510

Her: Do you want to see Downton Abbey tonight?

Me: Only if John Wick shows up and one of them killed his puppy.

@Smooheed

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first