You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
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[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
I sat on the toilet approximately 4 degrees off centre, so obviously I’m rattled.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die
me: 27
sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…
me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like